The Tortoise and the Hair: A Washington Fable (with apologies to James Thurber)

“Look, I’m going to support the nominee of our party for president, no matter who that may be.” – Mitch McConnell, after being asked by CNN about Donald Trump in 2024.

The Tortoise could not stand the Hair. He made no secret of it. He told colleagues. He told anyone in the forest who would listen. Even if someone had heard him vent about the Hair a million times, they would stay and listen because the Tortoise was old and wise and a respected leader of the forest community.

It all started after the Tortoise beat the Hair in a race. Instead of accepting the loss, the Hair complained that the race had been rigged, even saying the Tortoise had slipped Benadryl into his carrots, causing him to grow drowsy and fall asleep.

The Hair’s bullshit infuriated the Tortoise, especially when the Hair started telling everyone that he had actually won the race and was the fastest, most popular animal in the forest.

While all the Tortoise’s friends and advisers said that he should do something and put the Hair in his place, the Tortoise would just say that if the animals all liked the Hair and thought that he really was the fastest, who was he to argue? The Tortoise would then retreat into his shell and take a nap.

That was what happened when the Hair started insulting the Tortoise. “Did he say that?” the Tortoise asked someone who told him about it. “I hadn’t heard.” And then back into his shell for a nap.

When the Hair started going after the Tortoise’s wife, saying she was from another forest and couldn’t be trusted, the Tortoise just shrugged, saying the Hair had never said that to him and returned inside his shell for a nap.

Eventually, the Hair became so popular that even if the Tortoise had wanted to do something, he no longer had any options. Except one. He pulled inside his shell and took a nap.

With the Tortoise napping, the Hair became the leader of the forest. And when the Hair told the other animals that he had sold the forest to a developer who wanted to build a luxury resort and golf course but it was all in their best interest, they believed him.

Even though they were now all homeless.

Moral of the story: You really can’t trust anyone, can you?