Dr. Una Larmed sat in front of the bank of microphones in the Centers for Disease Control press center, getting ready to address the hundreds of reporters who had gathered in person and over Zoom. Her appearance of calmness belied the fact she was nervous as hell inside.
Normally, she didn’t have butterflies. Her steady demeanor led to her promotion to run the poorly named CDC’s Center for Research of Ambiguous Phenomenon; administrators don’t spent enough time thinking about acronyms when naming a division.
The difference between most of her announcements and today’s was that usually she was talking about some weird medical phenomenon, weird but straightforward: an outbreak of bald men suddenly having their hair grow back, right-handed people becoming left-handed; weird but straightforward.
Never before has she had to worry about political considerations. Until today. There was debate about whether she even say anything. In the end, medical necessity trumped politics.
“Thank you all for coming,” she started, slowly, cautiously. “On Wednesday, May 22, 2024, we received a report, since verified that a 52-year-old Indian American woman had been hospitalized in South Carolina after her spine disappeared.”
Dr. Larmed looked out at the crowd and saw that everyone had their hand up, their arms quivering as if having been shot through with electricity.
“Please,” she said. “Let me get through this and then I’ll take your questions.
“The woman is in stable condition. There are no signs of an incision and the woman is unable to offer any details about how or when it happened. She told doctors that she hadn’t known what happened until she woke up in the hospital.
“We are making this announcement today because the woman is not the first person to present this situation: a missing spine with no sign of it having been surgically removed.
“There was a 51-year-old white male in New Hampshire, a 73-year-old white male in Washington, DC, an 82-year-old white male in Kentucky, a 39-year-old white female in New York, a 53-year-old white male of Cuban and Irish descent in Texas, a 52-year-old Latino man in Florida, and a 68-year-old white male in South Carolina.
“We are investigating other reports as well. I’ll now take your questions.”
“Doctor, how are the people able to live without a spine?”
“That is one of the big mysteries. We believe it is somehow connected to brain power. In each case, the patient believes that they still have their spine. We are concerned about what might happen if they realize that they are wrong.”
“Doctor, you mentioned that two of the patients are in South Carolina. Is there some sort of geographic nexus? Have the other patients been there?”
“We had that thought. While we were hopeful that that could be the case, we have found no evidence to support it.”
“Doctor, do the patients have anything in common?”
“Well, we are still going through their detailed medical histories, looking at lab results and so forth, looking for commonalities. So far, the only connection we have found is that all are or were Republican elected officials.”
“Doctor, did the patients exhibit any common symptoms before the loss of their spine?”
“Good question. In each case, the patient described a former colleague in very derogatory terms such as ‘sniveling coward,’ ‘unhinged,’ and ‘race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.’
“Sadly, that’s all we have right now. As soon as we get more information, we will update you. In the meantime, we have set up a page on our website where we present the details that we have and have space for people to send in tips. It’s www.wtf.cdc.gov.
“Thank you.”
Great writing and great questions. More entertaining that to read a pageful of WTFs, which is what goes through my head daily. Thanks, Colin! Keep writing!