God To Vivek Ramswamy: Withdraw From Race

West Des Moines, IA – In a surprise move, God, the Lord Almighty intervened in the Republican Primary campaign on Friday, asking Vivek Ramaswamy to withdraw from the race. God made the announcement at a press conference at a Days Inn in West Des Moines just hours after a person killed one and wounded five at a high school in Perry, IA.

God appeared as a burning dais in the hotel’s conference center.

“This was not an easy decision,” God said. “Our general policy has been to stay out of such small-scale affairs as a political campaign but we decided we had to say something,”

God explained they use plural pronouns not because they’re taking a stand on gender issues but because “to paraphrase Whitman, we are large, we contain multitudes. We are everywhere and everyone. That said, if someone wants to read it as we support all people regardless of how they identify themselves, that would be correct.”

When asked why the decision to single out Ramaswamy, God replied that it was Ramaswamy’s reaction to the deadly school shooting.

“I heard that his first reaction was to, hold on, let us check our notes, was to cancel a town hall and ‘convert it into prayer and open conversation.’ He also had a prayer circle, if I read it correctly.”

“That’s it?” one skeptical report asked. “That’s all it took for you to change a long standing policy of staying out of elections?”

“Not at all,” God replied. “We were just getting started. Mr. Ramaswamy then asked me to ‘please help our country.’ We want to be clear about something that we made sure was put in the Bible, right at the beginning. We gave people dominion over the animals. Let’s unpack that for a second. You were made in our image and were above the other creatures on the planet.

“So, if there’s a problem, we figured you’d be able to work together to figure it out. When a river floods, you don’t hear beavers and other animals asking us for help. They just get down to business. As God, we gave you the intelligence needed to figure things out.”

God explained that the expectation is if someone wants to be a leader, they need to be able to make decisions and not “just throw it in our lap. Show the voters you’re capable of taking action.”

A reporter from the Des Moines Register stands. “Excuse me, Lord Almighty. I was wondering if you had any reaction to Mr. Ramaswamy saying that a person believing they can take away guns is a “belief that we are god?”

“Thank you!” God said, their flames burning brighter. “We almost forgot about that one. Mr. Ramaswamy said that if someone thinks they can pass a law taking away guns and not address issues such as mental health, ‘it’s a fake hubris. It’s a belief that we are god, that we can ultimately control this outcome without getting the root cause.’

“First, we’re pretty sure that no one calling for gun legislation is saying ignore things like mental health. Second, let’s talk about ‘false hubris.’ Does anyone have a copy of Webster’s Second Dictionary handy?”

The reporter look at each other and shrug.

“You all have smart phones, right? Hold on.”

Suddenly everyone has a copy of the dictionary on their lap and on their phone.

“You from the Times,” God said. “Read the definition of hubris.”

The reporter thumbs through the dictionary. “Hubris means exaggerated pride or self confidence.”

“Thank you. So hubris means that you think you are God, you think you are us. False hubris would be the opposite, the feeling you’re not god, that you don’t control everything. And need to work a little harder to come up with a solution.

“If you can’t show at least some command of the language, you have no business running for office.”

God ended the press conference by explaining while their wrath was limited to Mr. Ramaswamy, they are now playing closer attention.