"First, They'll Come For The Stoves"
“Is this thing on,” the man in the camouflage outfit and “Make America Great Again” baseball cap says as he reaches toward a camera, tapping it.
“Yeah, Pete. It’s on. Everyone watching just saw you reach for the camera like an ape,” a voice off-camera says.
“Just shut up,” Pete says, turning back to the camera. “Anyway, we’re here at the Viking Range Store and we are here, fully armed to make sure that the feds don’t try to storm in and take these gas stoves. Charlie, why don’t you come fill everyone in?”
“I’m Charlie and I am a patriot with a capital “P.” Charlie says, stepping into the view of the webcam. The only difference between the two is that Charlie has an automatic weapon in his hands.
“This started when Admiral Ronny Jackson, you all remember him, right? Not only is he an elected member of Congress, he used to be President Trump’s personal doctor, so he knows what he is talking about. Well, anyway. He goes on television and tells everyone that the Biden pretend administration is coming to take your gas stoves away.”
“Not just yours, everyone’s!” Pete shouts.
“That’s right. And Admiral Jackson says that the only way the feds are gonna take his gas stove away is if they come and pry it from his cold, dead fingers. And that got us thinking, we need to protect gas stoves everywhere before Biden’s Eco-Nazis come in the middle of the night and seize your stove and replace it with some electric model made in China by some company doing business with Hunter Biden.”
“That’s right, Charlie. So, we’re here to protect these stoves and we urge everyone to arm up and get ready because they are bringing the fight to you. First they come for the gas stoves. Then they come for the outdoor grills and finally for our fireplaces!”
“Joe. Tell them that we know who is really behind this,” Charlie says, nudging Pete with his gun.
“It’s that little Norwegian girl, Greta Hotdog or whatever her name is. She called up Sleepy Joe and said, you have to ban the gas stoves. They are hurting the environment. And he has no idea so he has ok. Well, Greta, listen up. We have 33 gas ranges in this store.
“The Series 5 has 15,000 BTU while the one over there has 18,500. And the Series 7 has 23,000 BTU. This is just a start. Please give us your email so I can send you brochures for all the Viking ranges and their respective BTUs.”
“That’s right, Pete. And just to show you that we don’t care what these things do to the environment, we’ve turned them all on.”
The two of them unfurl a large American flag.
“And we’re going to stand here and sing the National Anthem because we are patriots.” Pete says.
“Hey, Pete. You been drinking? You’re kind of slurring your words.”
“You are, too.”
“Well, let’s sing.”
The two start singing the anthem but soon after “proudly we hail,” both slump to the ground.
“I’m suddenly really tired, Charlie,” Pete says. A moment later, he asks, “Charlie?”
Nothing more is heard.