Christmas Lawyer

Document: Colin Miner/Santa: Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

The reporters had been called to the meeting room at the Sheraton Hotel after being promised a “world-changing announcement.” Since press releases like that are a dime a dozen, most of the reporters in the room were mostly copy-kids and rookie reporters trying to make it out of their probation safely. While every city editor was skeptical, if not downright dismissive, that anything would come of the press conference, they didn’t want to be the ones scrambling to catch up if it was real.

That they were rookies didn’t stop the gathered from trying to figure out what was going on. They searched the rooms for clues but were pretty much coming up empty. They saw a box being carried behind the dais so the observant figured out that whoever was speaking was probably not playing for the NBA. They could also see several dozen juice boxes lined up on the table next to the dais. Maybe it was some sort of consumer lawsuit, several thought, not recognizing the juice boxes were for them.

As they tried to put two and two together, the reporters were jolted to attention by a kid walking to the dais. Maybe whoever was speaking was going to have his son announce them.

“Thank you all for coming,” the child said. “My name is Mike Edwards and I’m here to walk you through separate yet connected legal actions filed this morning in Manhattan Federal Court.”

The reporters looked at each other, trying to figure out who was in on whatever prank was being pulled.

“I assure you that this is very serious business,” Edwards said, looking at the reporters with the best scolding expression that he could muster. “Today we filed a series of lawsuits directed at Santa Claus and the way he does business. We demand that he cease and desist using the so-called “naughty or nice list” until he provides detailed information on how the lists are compiled.

“We also want to know whether the information is shared with governments, specifically law enforcement agencies. Further, we want to know the role that toy manufacturers and others play in the operation. We have heard from children who all asked for the same train set only to receive Nintendo Switchs. Did Santa receive a payoff from Nintendo to make that change?

“And on the issue of the Naughty Nice list, what factors go into compiling it? Everyone says that Santa knows when we’ve been bad or good and we want to know how. It sounds like a massive spying operation if he is paying attention all the time. Presumably, he has Elves that monitor things but how widely is the data shared? And what’s to stop an elf from sharing the information. Are there safeguards in place to make sure that doesn’t happen.

“Also. Once you’re on the naughty list, can you ever get off? Does it follow you around forever, some factor that is used in an algorithm year after year?

“We have heard from several children who say that, after having a solid year of being good, they found themselves decidedly shortchanged at Christmas. How does something like that happen?”

One of the reporters, jumping up high in an attempt to be seen above the camera, interrupts.

“Excuse me, Mr. Edwards. Two quick questions and a possible follow-up.”

Edwards looks down at him. “Who are you?”

“Billy Wilson from Highlights for Children. You keep saying “we.” Can I ask you to elaborate on who is involved in this suit?”

“Absolutely, Billy. When I say we, I am referring to the six children who are currently listed as plaintiffs in this suit. I should note that we are asking to be certified as a class action suit because we believe that there are many more kids out there.”

Another reporter raises her hand. Edwards points at her.

“Thank you. Sue Lindsay for The New York Times. What will you say to critics who say that this is just a bunch of kids who didn’t get what they wanted last year trying to get better presents.”

Edwards stands up straight, with the box’s help now almost towering above the dais. “Thank you for that question,” he says. “We thought that might be an issue,. Last year, the six named plaintiffs in this suit had their Christmas lists notarized as proof of what they asked for. They were recorded on video with timestamps showing them opening their presents, exactly what they had asked for. We will be providing the videos to news organizations so you examine the metadata.

“Listen. This is not about a bunch of kids trying to get better things. This is about privacy and making sure Santa is operating in a transparent way.”

The New York Times reporter, still standing, asks a follow up. “What about you? How did your Christmas list compare to what you got?”

“I’m Jewish. I would not be affected by the suit unless it turns out Santa is sharing his information with Hanukah Harry. I suspect that will come out in discovery.”

“What firm are you with?”

“Ms. Whitaker’s fifth grade class at Edmund Glenn Elementary School.”