Another Thanksgiving Failure: Turkeys Look Ahead
To: Executive Committee, Turkeys United
From: Innovation Committee
Subject: Thanksgiving - Moving Forward, Interim Report
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Another Thanksgiving, another failure. It’s another Black Friday for us. And that’s being generous. Another year in which 45 million of our brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, neighbors and friends, end up roasted or deep fried. All to be on the dinner tables of families that would most likely rather be elsewhere after having spent countless hours stuck in airplanes or in traffic
.That said, it’s not really a surprise. When you instructed me back in July to chair this Innovation Committee to develop ways to avert future disasters, we knew this year was already a lost cause. It was clear that whatever we came up with, if we could even find anything, change would not happen overnight.
The good news is that we have come up with several ideas and we believe they will save lives.
We had planned to send out a slide deck for you to review but without opposable thumbs, it proved daunting. Fortunately, we are masters of the hunt and peck so email will have to suffice.
The following is based on interviews with several PR firms, crisis consultants, and Britney Spears. She assures us if she can turn things around, we can too.
We don’t have all the answers yet but do identify some of the problems and offer some solutions.
IMAGE PROBLEM - No matter who we spoke with, the first issued raised was the fact that so many people think we are too stupid to live. Admittedly, our enslaved, factory-farmed cousins are not the brightest bunch. But this thing about we are so dumb we will keep looking up into the rain until we drown is a bunch of hooey. We think it was a rumor started by the chicken lobby but we’ve not been able to prove it.
THE EAGLES - We’re not talking the “life in the fast lane Eagles” though that’s certainly how our high-soaring “friends” have been living since they stole the title of American symbol from us back in the 18th century. Ben Franklin had warned they might do this. We should have listened. It’s also possible they’ve been working with the chickens to denigrate us.
REBRANDING - There are so many ways to go here starting with the fact that we are fast. Damn fast. We can run 25 miles per hour (imagine the track records we could set) and we fly up to 55mph. Most people don’t even know that we can fly. Again, I blame the chickens. We had an initial talk with Nike in which we put a couple of ideas out there including acting as pace birds for runners in training. They seemed receptive and we’re meeting again in early January.
SHIFT THE ATTENTION - We need to make it clear that we are not the only option for Thanksgiving meals. First off, we weren’t even on the menu for the first few meals. Second, there are plenty of other birds that could be served for the holiday. Those damn chickens for instance. We need to get the message out that while we are special, there’s nothing about us that makes us taste any different than any other bird. It’s all in the preparation. Chickens can taste just like us; even peacocks or pigeons.
WE ARE DANGEROUS – This is an idea that might backfire so, if we pursue it, we have to do so very carefully. Everyone believes since we contain tryptophan eating us will make them sleepy. We could make a campaign out of this saying the more turkey they eat, the greater the chance of getting into an accident, the more loss of productivity. Turkey consumption will just lead to safety and economic hardship. The problem is that if people start digging too deep into the issue, they will discover that chickens actually have more tryptophan than we do.
STRATEGIC ALLIANCES – We’re not the only ones who don’t like chickens. We need to make the most of it. We had a meeting with the cows. As you know, they have been very active in promoting the idea of eating chickens. They seemed a little reluctant to work with us. We think they see us a potential enemy to be linked in with the chickens. We’ve also reached out to the pigs but have not heard back.
MOVIES AND TELEVISION - Look at what Babe did for the pigs. Not to mention Charlotte’s Web, which did something no one would have thought possible for the spiders. Shaun the Sheep made the sheep seem much clever than they are. Both CAA and Endeavor have agreed to take meetings with us. We just need to come up with some stories to pitch them.
Short of it, we know these are tough times. The good news is that we’ve made progress and we hope this will be the last year like this.
We believe that when we report back in February, it will be with more good news.